This Used To Be My Playground

WITH APOLOGIES TO TONY HAWK

You can follow me on Facebook at “I am Dazed and Confused” or Twitter – http://twitter.com/kbmrg

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Gas Station Condoms And Rumors of Infertility

It’s very strange that I had no problem buying liquor or illegal drugs when I was underage but I was too embarrased to buy condoms in a drug store.

In the group of friends I hung out with, fear of pregnancy was very high.  I think we would have had less of a problem calling our parents to bail us out of jail on a minor drug offense than to come home and tell them you had gotten someone pregnant or were pregnant (my female friends, not me).

My solution to this dilemma was to buy condoms from a vending machine in the bathroom of a gas station that was at the end of the airport runway.

I finally got over this fear of buying condoms publically when I was about 18 and moved in with my now wife and she had no problem sending me to the store to buy her “feminine hygiene” products.  Once I tackled that fear, condoms were no problem.

The fear of pregnancy followed my wife and I through our 20’s and 30’s.  We were never ready to have kids, didn’t have enough money to have kids, we should have done that last year, all the usual reasons.  We then realized one day we were too old to have kids.  Probably not biologically but definitely psychologically.  We were selfish and self-centered. 

Children can’t be let out in the yard to play until you get up at 1:30 p.m. on Sunday because you were out at a club until last call the night before.  Dogs can. Cats don’t even need to be let out, you can ignore them.

 We never talked about our lack of desire to have children with family very much which led to the following encounter between my wife and her father when we were in our late 30’s –

My father in law had some sort of surgery and my wife had gone to Florida to be his “nurse” during this time.  As he woke up from the anesthesia, she was standing there and he asked her “Have you had Charlie tested?”  her response was “for what?”.  He then said “well you’ve never had kids”.  Her final response –

“I guess it might help if we stopped using birth control”.

End of discussion.

As always –    

You can follow me on Facebook at “I am Dazed and Confused” or Twitter – www.twitter.com/iamdandc    

cs

Earache My Eye – Alice Bowie

EARACHE MY EYE

Performed by Alice Bowie

My momma talkin’ to me tryin’ to tell me how to live
But I don’t listen to her ’cause my head is like a sieve
My daddy, he disowned me ’cause I wear my sister’s clothes
He caught me in the bathroom with a pair of pantyhose

My basketball coach, he done kicked me off the team
For wearin’ high-heel sneakers and actin’ like a queen

—— lead guitar ——

The world’s comin’ to an end, I don’t even care
As long as I can have a limo and my orange hair
And it don’t bother me if people think I’m “funny”
‘Cause I’m a big rock star and I’m makin’ lots of money
money, money, money, money, money, money
Ahhh! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…

I’m so bloody rich! Ha ha ha ha
I own apartment buildings and shopping centers! Ha ha ha ha
And I only know three chords! Ha ha ha ha

If you don’t understand this and need an explanation check out the official Wikipedia entry for Earache My Eye (Click Here)

As always –    

You can follow me on Facebook at “I am Dazed and Confused” or Twitter – www.twitter.com/iamdandc    

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Six Toed Cats Get Short Shrift

Pissed Off Looking Six Toed Cat at Ernest Hemingway's House in Key West

It was announced that the Key West Home of Ernest Hemingway has been named a “Literary Landmark”.  The home is the location where he wrote “For Whom The Bell Tolls” and “The Snows of Kilimanjaro”.  There is no doubt that this is a deserving and long overdue designation by the “American Library Association”.

That part is a good thing.

The part that bothered me was that neither The Huffington Post or the AP Release they cited as source material mentioned the other famous thing about this property –  The Six Toed Cats on the property that are descendants of an original cat owned by Hemingway (click here for more info).

Ernest Hemingway

Naming something as a landmark is GREAT but if we REALLY want to encourage people to go visit, we need to remind them about the Six Toed Cats.

I’ve been there with my wife and I have toured the property.  I don’t remember much about the house but I do remember the Six Toed Cats.

How excited do you the think the kids are going to be about going to see a dead author’s house when the Carnival/Disney cruise ship stops in Key West.  Not Very.

Tell the kids that it is – THE MUTANT CAT HOUSE!! – They will be racing to see who gets there first.

Sneaky way to get your kids edumacated so they can be sophisticated writers like Hemingway.  Not writers of shlocky blogs.

As always –  

You can follow me on Facebook at “I am Dazed and Confused” or Twitter – www.twitter.com/iamdandc  

cs

The End Of Civilized Society

Jabori Harris - Soon to be unemployed - Macy's Wrapper

I saw an article over the weekend that made me sad for the future of American Society. 

Macy’s will be ENDING their gift wrapping service in all but a few stores. 

Due to the popularity of gift bags. 

Maybe I’m just Old School but I find this vulgar and an affront to proper civilized society. 

Are people going to put their gifts of wedding china and silver in gift bags? 

Maybe it doesn’t matter – don’t most people register at Target and Crate and Barrel nowadays? 

I’ll admit, I haven’t used the service in years but it was nice knowing it was there. 

If I want gift wrapping I guess I’ll have to go to Belk in Canton, GA. – YECHH! – It’s hard to act Hoity Toity when you are giving a gift from Belk. 

  

As always –  

You can follow me on Facebook at “I am Dazed and Confused” or Twitter – www.twitter.com/iamdandc  

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Crack Houses – Social and Affordable Partying

DODGED A BULLET ON THIS ONE

Background – I was never really that big a partier even back in the day.  The reason for this was not big moral issues.  The primary reason was that I didn’t have much money.  Especially during the 80’s.  Since I was in college and started my work career at the time of  “Bright Lights Big City” (not to be confused with the porno movie “Bright Lights Big Titties“)  and all that folklore, a lot of people assume I was heavy in to cocaine.   My crowd didn’t participate because that was expensive. 

I am not the only one who has expressed this view.  I remember (but can’t find the source) when the actress Patricia Heaton who was on the TV show “Everybody Loves Raymond” was asked in a magazine interview about living and working in New York in the early 80’s.  She replied  that she didn’t get in to the heavy cocaine scene because she was too busy working to pay the rent and couldn’t afford it.  Same here.  

I did walk near the edge of getting involved in an even worse problem.  One night in the mid 80’s I remember being at a friend’s apartment and all of us being very “dazed and confused” (weed).  When someone brought up crack houses which we were just hearing the first stories about. 

We all agreed this sounded very cool.  New version of cocaine (affordable)  and you went and smoked it at a house (social).  This whole idea intrigued us. 

Luckily it didn’t intrigue us enough to try it.  Especially since we didn’t know where any of  “these Crack Houses” existed.

The real word on Crack came down not long after that.

Dodged a bullet.

As always – 

You can follow me on Facebook at “I am Dazed and Confused” or Twitter – www.twitter.com/iamdandc 

cs

Prison Poetry

“IMAGES”

by

Tyrone Green

 

Dark and lonely on the summer night.

Kill my landlord, kill my landlord.

Watchdog barking – Do he bite?

Kill my landlord, kill my landlord.

Slip in his window, Break his neck!

Then his house I start to wreck!

Got no reason…What the heck!

Kill my landlord, kill my landlord.

C-I-L-L …   

My land – lord

 

As always – 

You can follow me on Facebook at “I am Dazed and Confused” or Twitter – www.twitter.com/iamdandc 

cs

Elayne Boosler May Be Named in My Divorce

Homewrecker Elayne Boosler

I am not planning on getting a divorce but if I ever do, one reason for my wife filing  could be that I REFUSE to ever order for her in a restaurant.

That is comedian Elayne Boosler’s fault.

If you are the target demographic for this blog you know very well who Elayne Boosler is.

She had a joke as part of her routine probably back in the early to mid 80’s where she mocked men who ordered for their dates.  The best description of which I found in a review by Lynn Harris of the book -Comedy at the Edge: How Stand-Up in the 1970’s Changed America written by Richard Zoglin.

….about waitressing in restaurants where men order “for the lady.” Boosler: “It made it seem like there could be only one lady. ‘The lady will have coffee.’ ‘OK, the slut’ll go get it.’ “

Because of that joke I can not bring myself to order for my wife and have often refused to do so when asked.

Even ordering a shared appetizer for the two of us makes me feel a little queasy. 

Tip to Elayne – If my wife DOES name you in our divorce you can buy her off by finding homes for all the dogs she rescues through your Tails of Joy rescue organization (click here to visit the site)

As always – 

You can follow me on Facebook at “I am Dazed and Confused” or Twitter – www.twitter.com/iamdandc 

cs

Bail Money

I got a message from a friend last night wanting me to bail them out of jail.  My response was –

ROT THERE!!!

I ended up sending bail money though because it was a MDA jail.  As in a fundraiser for the Muscular Dystrophy Association.

She was lucky.  If it was real jail I wouldn’t have bothered – I think she might be a flight risk.

She’s out now but you can still donate to MDA if you want to make her look good. – (click here).

As always – 

You can follow me on Facebook at “I am Dazed and Confused” or Twitter – www.twitter.com/iamdandc 

cs

I Can’t Afford To Lie In Bed Like Brian Wilson Did

Brian Wilson - Upright

My motto has always been – Nervous Breakdowns are only for rich people – I have to make a living.  I don’t mean to make light of mental illness but how many people can afford to check in to the hospital or a facility for “exhaustion”.   The ultimate symbol of this for me has always been when Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys took to his bed for three years in the early 70’s. 

I’m human and have had some down periods in my life.  In one instance I was in a horrible job in a horrible town.  This always made me wonder, was the town just horrible because the job was horrible? or was it truly a horrible town.   I’ve never compeletly decided on the answer to that. 

I was depressed with the situation and it was shear TORTURE to even drive myself to the office every morning.  I felt like I was going to have a Nervous Breakdown.  One of the things that kept me going was whenever the song “Brian Wilson” by the Bare Naked Ladies came on the radio.   

If you don’t remember the lyrics they included –  “Well I’m lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did.
So I’m lying here, just staring at the ceiling tiles. and I’m thinking about what to think about.” and “if you want to find me I’ll be out in the sandbox”.  The second part being a reference to when they moved his piano into a giant sandbox his family and “therapist” had constructed in his living room to inspire him. 

The reason a potentially depressing song like this inspired me was that it always made me realize – “I have to keep moving and make a living.” 

I have taken to my bed a few times because I was stressed or depressed and thought I might have a nervous breakdown.  These episodes though usually only consisted of sleeping late or taking a nap in the middle of the day.  Usually the naps were less than an hour long because they were interrupted by a phone call or email of someone needing something.  That usually distracted me from my self and off I went to complete the task requested by the interrupting phone call.  Incidentally – this method was greatly helped by the fact I am too paranoid too turn off the phone. 

Then I discovered while writing this post that there is no such thing as a “Nervous Breakdown” anymore.  They now call it “situational depression”, “anxiety disorder” or “burn-out”.   Gee – That isn’t nearly as dramatic as the term nervous breakdown. 

Brian Wilson as it turns out probably didn’t have a nervous breakdown anyway.  The new thought is that he was  in the developing stages of Schizophrenia.  Totally Different Head.

As always – 

You can follow me on Facebook at “I am Dazed and Confused” or Twitter – www.twitter.com/iamdandc 

cs